Our little miracle
Jenny Marie
October 9,2009 - March 14,2010
Dearly Loved and Never Forgotten
jenny
cute as a bug in a rug!
Monday, June 28, 2010
I still miss you...A letter to Jenny Marie
Dear sweet angel,
Mommy misses you dearly. I miss everything about being a mommy to the most amazing person i have ever met. I know that you aren't in pain and I know that you can smile and laugh and play, and do all the things that you couldn't do on this earth. And although those thoughts bring peace to my heart, my arms are still empty. I still want to be with you and I still want us to be our little family with you here. You gave me something to live for Jenny. You gave me so much purpose and direction and most important you gave me love and taught me how to love unconditionally.
My heart still aches for you...it's these times or days that I have a hard time remembering that I will see you again. All I think about is that I don't have you now.
I see other mommies on facebook and blogspot that have lost their little angels and my heart aches for them too. Knowing how they feel and wishing that they didn't have to be experiencing what I feel. Longing to be with their percious babies.
I love you soooo much Jenny and I'm sorry for the pain that you had to endure in your little life. I wanted to take all the pain away from you, I tried and tried an tried, but my love was not enough to undo what doctors did.
I just hope that I made the best choices for you baby girl, if I didn't please forgive me and know that my intensions were surrounded with love and the want to make you better, to make you pain free Jenny.
I love you, I will always you, and I will always be your mommy,
I will see you soon Jenny until I do please be with me here, let me feel your presence.
Goodnight Jenny,
mommy loves you!
Mommy misses you dearly. I miss everything about being a mommy to the most amazing person i have ever met. I know that you aren't in pain and I know that you can smile and laugh and play, and do all the things that you couldn't do on this earth. And although those thoughts bring peace to my heart, my arms are still empty. I still want to be with you and I still want us to be our little family with you here. You gave me something to live for Jenny. You gave me so much purpose and direction and most important you gave me love and taught me how to love unconditionally.
My heart still aches for you...it's these times or days that I have a hard time remembering that I will see you again. All I think about is that I don't have you now.
I see other mommies on facebook and blogspot that have lost their little angels and my heart aches for them too. Knowing how they feel and wishing that they didn't have to be experiencing what I feel. Longing to be with their percious babies.
I love you soooo much Jenny and I'm sorry for the pain that you had to endure in your little life. I wanted to take all the pain away from you, I tried and tried an tried, but my love was not enough to undo what doctors did.
I just hope that I made the best choices for you baby girl, if I didn't please forgive me and know that my intensions were surrounded with love and the want to make you better, to make you pain free Jenny.
I love you, I will always you, and I will always be your mommy,
I will see you soon Jenny until I do please be with me here, let me feel your presence.
Goodnight Jenny,
mommy loves you!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Horse rescue!
Today I'm going to do the orintation for the horse rescue. I'm hoping that it will fullfill my need to care for something. They need me and I need them, it's a win-win situation. Hoping for the best, I'll let you all know how it went...
Lovingly,
Amanda
Lovingly,
Amanda
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
More Bad News
I honestly did not think that it was going to be possible for my life to great any more challenging than mourning Jenny's death. However, today I got the results back from a test that was checking to see the condition of my uterus after having had a D&C because the fabulous doctors that did the c-section of Jenny's birth left part of the placenta inside my uterus. What has happened as a result of the D&C is that there is scaring in my uterus that has caused the two walls of my uterus to stick together closing off my uterus. What does all that mean? Well, it means that as of right now, I'm not going to be able to get pregnant again. There is a slight possibility that a doctor will be able to preform a corrective surgery, but as of today there are no guarantees.
The thought of maybe having another baby was the last little bit of hope that I had left. I just don't understand why God continues to try me. I have been faithful, I keep trying to be positive, but now what is there to be positive about? What hope do I have now? The only hope I have now is the hope that I will be put out of my misery soon. Or the hope that maybe I will be around to see the doctors who single-handily destroyed our family have to take responsibility for what they have done.
I am just so completely empty right now. When will the Lord stop with-holding the rain? Please God let the rain come down and wash all the hurt that continues to happen away. I need a break from this drought. Lord I'm crying out to you to deliver us from this pain! Please get us through this Lord. I'm begging you!
The thought of maybe having another baby was the last little bit of hope that I had left. I just don't understand why God continues to try me. I have been faithful, I keep trying to be positive, but now what is there to be positive about? What hope do I have now? The only hope I have now is the hope that I will be put out of my misery soon. Or the hope that maybe I will be around to see the doctors who single-handily destroyed our family have to take responsibility for what they have done.
I am just so completely empty right now. When will the Lord stop with-holding the rain? Please God let the rain come down and wash all the hurt that continues to happen away. I need a break from this drought. Lord I'm crying out to you to deliver us from this pain! Please get us through this Lord. I'm begging you!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
some days are better than others
Since Jenny has been gone, some days are better than others, but there haven't been any days that are pain free. I miss her from the time I wake-up till the time I go to bed, and everything in between. I think about her pretty much all the time, and when one second goes by when I don't think about her, I get this sudden anxiety and fear that I have forgotten her. The thoughts rush through my head about all things I haven't done for her. Like not giving her a bath, not feeding her, wondering if she needs a diaper change. All the things that I was doing for her when she was alive. Then....REALITY! SHE'S NOT HERE! and I go through the same feelings I had the second I knew she had died.
It's a sick cycle. I try to distract myself, but that has proven to be very difficult. I hope that I will find peace with Jenny not being here sooner than later...
It's a sick cycle. I try to distract myself, but that has proven to be very difficult. I hope that I will find peace with Jenny not being here sooner than later...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Understanding...
Recently, my daughter Jenny died. I have been having a very difficult time emotionally because of her death.
I have been having hard time adjusting to her not being here anymore. I have had an even harder time with my family doing and saying things that are hurtful. I don't want to get into detail but I do want to share with those who are in the life of someone who has lost a child that the most loving thing you could do for them, is to validate their feelings by simply letting them feel what they are feeling.
It is important to understand that a grieving parent is always going to be grieving. There is not one single day that they will wake up and not think about their child. There is not a day that will go by that they are not going to miss their child.
So be gentle with a parent who has had to experience the death of a child. Hugs and ears available to listen mean the world to a parent who misses their baby...
I have been having hard time adjusting to her not being here anymore. I have had an even harder time with my family doing and saying things that are hurtful. I don't want to get into detail but I do want to share with those who are in the life of someone who has lost a child that the most loving thing you could do for them, is to validate their feelings by simply letting them feel what they are feeling.
It is important to understand that a grieving parent is always going to be grieving. There is not one single day that they will wake up and not think about their child. There is not a day that will go by that they are not going to miss their child.
So be gentle with a parent who has had to experience the death of a child. Hugs and ears available to listen mean the world to a parent who misses their baby...
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