It's almost been a year since Jenny went to heaven, and every moment still feels as though she went yesterday. I still feel as though the Lord is with-holding a since of fulfillment from my life. I truly try to think positively and change my perspective on life, but despite all my efforts I am empty.
I feel like Job, loosing everything that meant something to me. Jenny, Gary, our home, everything.
To top it all off, my sister is due to have her baby next month, the same month that Jenny died. The irony of my life is sickening. No matter how much I have always tried to live my life by bible principles and do what I have been told is the "right" thing to do, I still end-up with the short end of the stick. I just want to be happy, have fulfillment in my life again.
I don't understand why I am going through the desert still, I'm thirsting for rain, craving an end to my sadness, crying out to the Lord, and feeling like he won't take me out of this pain anytime soon.
All I wanted was to be Jenny's mom, to raise her, teacher her, see her grown, and learn, walk, and sing. There are so many mom's that don't do any of those things with their children and yet they still have theirs. Mom's like me, who love, and cherish their children have them taken away from us. I feel robed. Like a piece of me is literally gone.
How is that made better? What can fill the gaping whole that used to be me? NOTHING! Nothing but Jenny, so the only thing I still looked forward to is going to heaven myself, so I can be with my angel.
Almost a year and I still feel the same...
